::watching over me..
12:52 a.m. - 2007-04-16
My dad's 2nd year anniversary came and just passed.. It was a nice cosy thing with my mum and sisters as we sponsored breakfast at Ramakrishna Mission and thereafter gave them some little treats. It was nice to see so many happy faces. My Dad would have been a hit with these boys,what with his little magic tricks and his funny jokes.
I was just talking to a friend about that day. It still remains very slated in my mind and i cannot imagine how i went through it and how some of my friends who've been through similar loss get out of it.
Everything is still rather vivid in my mind. Everything. From the moment my mother stepped into my room to wake my sister and myself up to tell us that there's something wrong with my dad. To watching my first sister try so helplessly to wake him up. To the way we kept and i mean kept calling him.
I still remember my mother at the balcony crying as the paramedics brought my father out. I don't know why but that image stays still in my mind. On Saturday, when we were leaving the house, she for some reason was standing there again and i had to be strong and hold back my tears.
I don't know why but there was just an unsettled feeling in my stomach. Telling me something was going to be wrong. I don't know why but there was.
I would never forget that helplessness i felt the moment he was gone. Till this day, its so painful to enter the A&E at TTSH. I hate that place. I smell death there. I really really hate that place.
Everything thereafter remains a blur. The funeral. The people who were there. Time. The days when my sofa was in my dining area. The days when people were always over at our place. The prayers. The crematorium. The glass panel that separated me and my father as his body got cremated. The tears. It was probably and will always be the most tiring days of my life.
I never understood how anyone gets over this kinda thing. But i'm guessing we just don't. You're stuck with these things forever and sometimes you're glad you are. I would never want to forget him, as painful as some of the memories are. There isn't a day i don't think of him. I see him everywhere and in everything i do. But that just shows how real he was to me and how much i need him in my life.
I guess i'm just lucky. I don't just have God watching over me. I have my father too.
