::I know you're watching..
2:01 a.m. - 2007-04-03
In about 11 days, it would be 14th April.
That technically marks 2 years since my Hero passed on.
I meant not to bring up the issue of my Dad in my blog anymore after the last time cos i realised it affected a lot of people. Loss doesn't just break those directly involved, it stings the rest alerting them about the fragility of their life.
But today i feel ever so alone again. Apart from my Sex and the City and the ladies who really really rock my world, there's nothing else that seems to keep me motivated. Nothing that tells me to forge on quite so much as my father would.
I remember how proud my father was of my sisters and me since the moment we pretty much toddled. We were his little trophy girls and part of the reason why all three of us have grown up to be such confident young women, would be because we always knew that my parents loved us and were proud of us, especially my father.
Its in this that i will hold my pride because i was wrong in trying to fill that void with temporary love. Temporary love fades. Its a mere infatuation.
The love that's of the staying kind - is the one that nothing can ever erase. Not even physical loss. And in that i seek some solace.
I keep feeling so alone at times. Its awesome that there are so many people who are willing to brave through this tough phase with me and ever so often my phone tinkles with sweet little messages from my Girlfriends and my sisters.
Yet it feels lonely not to have exclusivity. Because at some point in time, everyone else gets caught up in their own affairs.
Its been an amazingly enlightening few weeks for me. Being able to for the very first time watch this world from the perspective i've never had before. The singular soul in a world of doubles.
But then i tell myself, that i'm never ever going to be alone. Because my father is here with me. He always is and always will be..
Everytime i see a little tear trying to make an appearance in that tear duct, a little voice in me resounds. The exact same way he used to speak. That hasty, trying not to be sappy and still wanting to sayang his Princess kind of voice. "What you crying for now?" was his way of saying, "Daddy can make all the pain go away".
I remember when i was hospitalised at the age of 10 for a grafting surgery. I hated those blood tests they do. In fact i still do. And i refused to get one of those. My mother wouldn't tell the nurses to go away. My aunt said it was necessary for them to check post-operation status.
My father however, told the nurses not to inject his little girl because she didn't want to be poked.
Where are you to tell them to stop poking me now? So much pain and only you'd be able to destroy all these people who try to lap this pain on me.
During that same hospital stay, my father promised me that he'd buy me all the Barbie dolls from India if i was a brave girl and stayed through the whole thing.
I did. And he kept his word. I still have all of my Indian collector dolls.
Where are you now to reward me for being so brave?
It is then that i feel the wind a little closer. That the breeze sweeps my hair. That a little moth flies around the room. That i feel someone behind my back. That i feel someone tap on the keyboard. That i feel you near.
It is then that i know that i'll never ever be lonely because it isn't just God whose watching.
Its my Daddy too.
Daddies are and always will be our superheroes. From the scraped knee to your first computer game to the day when your mother lashes out at you and shouts her head off and your Dad's the one who takes your side.. Its all him.
No other man can take his place and thats exactly what he's proven. You threw these boys away by fate because you knew they just weren't worth it.
You were being a protective Daddy making sure your little Princess didn't get messed up with the messed up ones.
I know you are watching, and I hope you realise that I'm watching you too.
Lots of Hugs,Love and Kisses,
Your daughter.
