::there's gotta be a heaven out there somewhere..
6:04 p.m. - 2007-03-14
I've been in a relatively reflective mood in the past few days. Now that Dhool is over and all the controversy that surrounded it has more or less died down, i feel like i have more time to do.
But as is with most other people, you never really get this time for yourself. Instead, you end up having other issues, such as assignments and projects to take away this precious time.
Its been ages since i've had some ME-TIME. Time for me to just look at myself and figure myself out. I've been so puzzled and confused by so many things and i've no idea where to go or what to do.. I don't even know what i want.
Why do we always end up living to please others? No matter how hard we try to live for ourselves, we always base our lives and our principles of what is right and what is wrong based on what society frowns upon.
I'm a hypocrite by ordinary standards. I claim that i don't really care what other people think of me or what is being said about me. And fair enough, most of the time, i live by my own rules. But somehow or rather, i always stop short of doing that one critical thing because i'm so worried about the repercussions of my action. What if i'm really not who you thought i was? What if you think i'm just a waste of all your efforts?
We always blind ourselves from what we really want because wants are usually wrong. At least by this world's standards. Anything you want so badly, is probably just not good for you.
Right now, that doesn't even matter because i don't know what i want. It seems safest not to mess around or fiddle with the little bits of my life now since i'm absolutely clueless as to what the right format is supposed to be. Do you belong there? Are the pieces supposed to fit this snug? Am i mixing the colours up?
I wish during times like these that i had someone who could objectively look at my life and tell me what to do. But i know thats impossible for a host of reasons. Firstly, there isn't really anything such as pure objectivity. Secondly, i wouldn't know where to start. Everytime i open my mouth to reason, i suddenly start figuring that whatever it was i believed in, just didn't make much sense.
Am i the only one who believes things should be this way? Even so, am i not allowed to? I'm the only one living this life and i think i should technically know what's best for me. Right? Or did i get that wrong too?
Losing my way.. I keep losing my way... Can you help me find my way? Oh my God, could you please forgive me? Cos i know i've done some wrong in this life. If i could do it all over again, have just one more chance. Take all that's wrong and make it right...
