::Melancholy
1:48 a.m. - 2007-01-05
I know how the year always opens with a bang. Big parties, new hairdos, dazzling clothes, happy faces and most importantly the realization that this is the one chance to start afresh. My new year came and went just like that. Yes I was in the midst of the ones I loved and there were many others in my heart. But it just didn’t feel like the start. Once again, I am typing this on the bus and the song “Losing my way” by Justin Timberlake is blaring in my ears. These words resound : “Can anybody out there see me? Cos I can’t seem to see myself”.
Don’t ask me why I’m feeling melancholic or why I am not at all excited about the dawn of a new year. Perhaps its been one of the toughest years I’ve had and there is so much excess baggage from the previous year that I haven’t thrown out completely. So many problems left unsolved and so many issues unresolved. Am I the only one still sitting in 2006 desperately trying to figure out where I’m supposed to be?
2006 marked the start of my university education. All my life I’ve had all these plans as to how I intend to enter the University and for very long that seemed like my biggest ambition and fuelled me to do well regardless of what hurdles I had to cross. Now that I actually have gotten to this point, I feel like I have lost the passion to study. Sure, I’m not flunking my exams and I do study(contrary to popular belief) but it just feels like I don’t know what to do. I didn’t get Law and I was sure Political Science was my cup of tea. Took it and I hated it. Now I am clueless about things that I was certain about since I was 10.
2006 also saw the end of a nasty relationship and a start of another. Once again, it was like a slap in the face and a nasty fall back to reality. For the first half of 2006, I was so intent on working my relationship out and regardless of how stagnated I felt, I kept trying to push it forward. My only reason for sticking by that person was that I thought he was a very sweet and faithful individual. Just then, I realise that I had been played for a good 9 months or so. Amazing innit? It was very hard for many people to grasp cos he played the game so darn well. I thought I would be badly bruised and unable to recover. But I guess I’m stronger than I thought. It seems like its impossible to break me anymore. Funnily, it was only shock that I felt, not sorrow. Just betrayal.
And then I met someone when I didn’t even think I wanted a relationship. I wanted one fun night out and I ended up meeting someone that I’ve grown to fall for so deeply. Its been such a short while but it feels as if its been perfectly fitted into my life. I hope that this is for real and that if God wills it, it will become the strongest bond I’ve come to share with someone beyond my family. I don’t know what the journey is going to be like in 2007 but I hope that it gives us clarity and allows us to continue in this same path and pace.
2006 was emotionally intense with memories of my father constantly bugging me. It was his 1st year anniversary, his prayers and just the random memories whenever I did anything that constantly affected me. My dancing also saw a shocking high in 2006. I haven’t gone back to bharathanatyam but I’ve been dancing so much with Rashmi, NUS Roadshow and now its NUS Vidiyal. Its kept me in pretty good shape and has at least given me an avenue to vent out other frustrations. I just hope it doesn’t kill all the free time I have.
Most importantly I’ve learnt some priceless lessons in 2006. Not to trust anyone no matter how much they seem to have it all together. Never to let your emotional guard down. Not to ever drink too much(19 tequila drama) and to constantly make sure you know what you’re doing. Never to say things you don’t mean and never to not mean the things you say. I’ve learnt an important lesson or two about friendship and its permanence or lack thereof(that’s to all of you who vanished after the A’s). I’ve learnt the importance of dignity and being able to keep your head up high.
There are many things I may have done wrong in 2006 and many people I might have infuriated. Relationships may need mending and people out there might hate me. Precious people have left me, other loved ones have also lost the ones they might truly adore. But if you asked me now, what I would have changed about the whole of 2006, I’d tell you nothing at all. Every experience was simply worth it.
I just wish however, I had solved some of my issues before 2007 hit. Time waits for no man right?
