::resurrection.
2:13 a.m. - 2006-10-20
This isn't an entry targetted at making anyone feel bad or to make anyone feel sympathy towards me. Just a reflection of something that has disturbed me quite a lot today and for the past few weeks.
Today, in the midst of kueh tarts and trying saree blouses, someone was commenting on a broken marriage. On how the man in question doesn't contribute, doesn't love them enough, doesn't take them out, doesn't spend on them and just isn't worth it. On how the kids don't need him and that the lady could take care of all this herself.
A lot of things ran through my mind at that time. Whether its possible to fall out of love. Whether its possible for the man in question to have not meant for things to turn out this way. But most importantly, something very painful and something very selfish couldn't escape my thought.
Why didn't God take away these people and keep my Dad around? Why don't these people appreciate the sheer fact that the person is still around and not wish for so much more? Why don't people realise that beyond all these layers of material wealth and niceties, they truly do love these other people? That at the end of the day, it isn't a matter of living with that person, rather whether you could live without that person.
I used to blame my Dad or feel sad or disappointed, sometimes angry even that he didn't spend time with me, doesn't come home earlier, doesn't participate in some family events. There was once when i was in Primary school when he drove me to school and i actually wrote him a letter expressing my disappointment at him.
How selfish a person i was. Who gave me the right to express such feelings? Who gave us the right to decide that a person is no good or not doing enough? I mean at the end of the day it is the person that matters, not what they do for you. If we were all gonna keep account, imagine how much liability we have towards God.
So many thoughts. Its Deepavali again. Last year, it was easy. We just didn't have to celebrate it. This year, its weird. I still remember a conversation my mother and i had a week ago before going to Expo. She was talking about how my Dad always chose the weirdest times to fix things. How he will suddenly have car breakdowns when all the visitors are waiting to see him. How he would take so long to get ready on Deepavali morning.
And all we concluded was that, it didn't matter. I'd give up any Deepavali, any festive occasion, any life, any love just to have him standing in front of me again.
I still remember dear Visha's comments last last week at Munchie Monkeys with Ben and myself. Getting a call from her father, she muttered, "I just saw my Dad yesterday! Its too many times to see him if i see him today too!!" And all that resounded was a, "Hell, I'd give anything to see my Dad just one more time". It wasn't meant to make Visha feel bad or prove a point. It was just what i thought.
The person who was talking about the broken marriage made another remark. About daughters and how no matter what, they would always support their fathers. I would never agree with that in my life. I wish i had done so much more to support my father. He did not have it easy, and we didn't make it any easier. I was the "Chellam"(he has the nicest way of saying it) and even I had hurt him so many times with my words and reactions.
I'd give anything for that Pre-Deepavali dinner, the drive after all that painting, the way after dinner we would scour the Expo and my dad would choose to buy the most ridiculous things. The way he would put his arms around me and say "Chellam we go and look at things. Don't care about them" and we would go on our own to look at keropok and Deepavali lights. The after Expo drive where he would drive us through Desker and Petain Road so we can look at transvestites(family habit la!) Watching the midnight Deepavali shows and just waking up to a very blissful morning.
All i want for Deepavali is my Daddy. Really. I'm sure i speak for my mother and sisters as well.
